I would much rather die than join those sick people

Writing has become incredibly difficult lately. I think I'm trying too hard --to write for some stranger I don't know. I actually get anxiety when I write sometimes because I am so afraid that it is not up to par with what is expected of the blogging community. Well, it stops here. I should write how I feel comfortable.

And, well, I'm getting to that point in my life when i realize it is not getting much better. I don't know how I am to survive this world when I am strongly against conformity. Most people do not accept those who don't conform. I remember when I was 15 I starting wearing a lot of black clothing (you know that goth stuff) and my family was always over-emphasizing how I would grow out of it one day and that i couldn't dress like that when I was older. I put up the biggest fights with them. I was so certain that i could be whoever I wanted to be, even if that meant wearing baggy black clothes with chains hanging off my sides. To myself, i would ask, what did it fucking matter what i was wearing? what did that actually have to do with who i am? It didnt. It's just that people feel the need to control everyone...regulations and rules and conformity and and and...it all makes controlling us so much easier. duh. I was not so willing to accept control, to be miserable for the sake of someone else's success and happiness. No, not I.

And, well, I did eventually stop wearing those "types" of clothes. Partly because i just didnt liek them anymore. partly because i didnt like them anymore because people werent so willing to accept me as such. I was sick of being looked at like a weirdo. So, for a couple of years i conformed. i dressed all femme and grew my hair long and on occasion i put on some make-up. Then college came. The structure, the system of control (AKA PATRIARCHY AND CAPITALISM) were revealed to me both in and out of the classroom. Fuck this! I said to myself. And i started being becca again.

And, well, I love being becca, but it's difficult to be oneself. And they give us that "be yourself" bullshit all through first and secondary school, but those same people think you are fucked up when you are being your true self...right? No wonder I have such bad anxiety...if you can't trust the school guidance counselor, then who can you trust?

How am I to survive if I don't want to be a part of a system that is so inherently oppressive? It is so hopeless that sometimes I just want to give in. I just can't though. I'm not alone. but the amount of people working against assimilation and oppression, is small. I don't doubt that we can have an impact, but it's still scary. There are people out there that want to silence us. to kill us. to violate and mutilate our bodies because we challenge their power, their privilege, their entire false existence. The truth is, though, I would much rather die, than join those sick people.