I would much rather die than join those sick people

Writing has become incredibly difficult lately. I think I'm trying too hard --to write for some stranger I don't know. I actually get anxiety when I write sometimes because I am so afraid that it is not up to par with what is expected of the blogging community. Well, it stops here. I should write how I feel comfortable.

And, well, I'm getting to that point in my life when i realize it is not getting much better. I don't know how I am to survive this world when I am strongly against conformity. Most people do not accept those who don't conform. I remember when I was 15 I starting wearing a lot of black clothing (you know that goth stuff) and my family was always over-emphasizing how I would grow out of it one day and that i couldn't dress like that when I was older. I put up the biggest fights with them. I was so certain that i could be whoever I wanted to be, even if that meant wearing baggy black clothes with chains hanging off my sides. To myself, i would ask, what did it fucking matter what i was wearing? what did that actually have to do with who i am? It didnt. It's just that people feel the need to control everyone...regulations and rules and conformity and and and...it all makes controlling us so much easier. duh. I was not so willing to accept control, to be miserable for the sake of someone else's success and happiness. No, not I.

And, well, I did eventually stop wearing those "types" of clothes. Partly because i just didnt liek them anymore. partly because i didnt like them anymore because people werent so willing to accept me as such. I was sick of being looked at like a weirdo. So, for a couple of years i conformed. i dressed all femme and grew my hair long and on occasion i put on some make-up. Then college came. The structure, the system of control (AKA PATRIARCHY AND CAPITALISM) were revealed to me both in and out of the classroom. Fuck this! I said to myself. And i started being becca again.

And, well, I love being becca, but it's difficult to be oneself. And they give us that "be yourself" bullshit all through first and secondary school, but those same people think you are fucked up when you are being your true self...right? No wonder I have such bad anxiety...if you can't trust the school guidance counselor, then who can you trust?

How am I to survive if I don't want to be a part of a system that is so inherently oppressive? It is so hopeless that sometimes I just want to give in. I just can't though. I'm not alone. but the amount of people working against assimilation and oppression, is small. I don't doubt that we can have an impact, but it's still scary. There are people out there that want to silence us. to kill us. to violate and mutilate our bodies because we challenge their power, their privilege, their entire false existence. The truth is, though, I would much rather die, than join those sick people.

"Define and Empower"

On a whole, I am disappointed with the LGBT movement, especially those gay lites who are running the show.

I am outraged at the cover of this past month's issue of The Advocate entitled "Gay is the New Black: the Last Great Civili Rights Movement." First of all, the slogan that Gay is the New Black is horribly disturbing since this phrase is usually used in regards to fashion. Secondly, the LGBT, not GAY, rights movement is certainly not the only or last civil rights movement. The Black Civil Rights movement is still very much alive and running. Do people actually believe that electing a black president has single-handedly ended racism across the United States? Hell no. There are plenty of radical right-wingers and Christian fundamentalists that have compared Obama to curious George and have called him "little Hussein"...that's racism.

Racism is present in the LGBT community which has been especially evident since the passage of proposition 8 in California. So many members of this community have essentially blamed the black community for this loss. This is based on a stereotype that all blacks are homophobic. Again, this is racist. And the Advocate just tops it off by comparing the oppression and exploitation of black people to gay people. Of course there are similarities and overlaps, but is most certainly not the same. You can't hide your skin color, but you can hide your sexual orientation (although you shouldn't have to).

The issue here, of course, is that some people in the LGBT movement are attempting to take away the focus from other marginalized groups in the United States and beyond. The cover of the Advocate implies that every single other marginalized group in the history of this country has achieved their human rights to the fullest extent. Therefore all energy, time, and money can focus on the oppression of LGBT peoples. Well, this is racist, egotistical, and just plain stupid.

Why must we always divide and conquer? Instead, we should take Audre Lorde's advice to "define and empower." Let's Embrace our differences, educate one another, admit our privileges, and move forward together. There is a serious lack of communication and understanding among marginalized groups in this country. We are too busy fighting, blaming, and insulting one another while the radical right is busy making plans to keep us down here. Fuck that! Let's take charge by fighting to end the exploitation and oppression of all marginalized groups in this country and beyond. We can do it. We just need to realize that we share the plight of oppression and by dividing we are only giving those in power more power to manipulate our lives.

Craving stability

I have so much to do. write 2 papers. study for 2 finals. move to a different dorm room. go back to boston. feel sorry for myself while I am far away from everything that makes my day complete. finally catch-up on that long reading list in my head. get lgbtssa back on its feet. plan, plan, plan. stress. sleep. eat.

notice how eating and sleeping come last.

I'm ready for college to be over. I just want to cut out all the bull shit. I need some stability.

expect better posts within a week.

I'll do what I want

This anxiety can make me immobile. It has something to do with the in between of deciding weather to take flight or just fight. I freeze and I literally just wait for that moment that it just clicks. But sometimes it never clicks so i get stuck neither taking flight nor fighting. If I flee then I feel weak. And if I fight I feel like an asshole. I can't win. I think I need more confidence to do what I feel is best. I waste a lot of time considering how my actions will be perceived by others. Why do I yearn for the validation of others so often?

I cause my own conflicts about 90% of the time.

I'm sick of having this conversation with myself. I'll do what I want.

I'm 21, now what?

I think its safe to say that everyone looks forward to turning a certain age, specifically the ones that grant more privileges.

13 - official recognition as a teenager
16 - legal to drive
18 - legal to vote, gamble, buy smokes (in some states)
21 - legal to drink

So now what? I get to look forward to being able to rent a car when I'm 25?

Whatever. My dad says: "Happy Birthday! Welcome to the majority." OK. what the fuck?

I wish we weren't measured quantitatively. Instead we should be judged based on the quality of our character. Essentially, the restrictions and limitations associated with age are based on generalizations about an entire population. Our culture believes that anyone under the age of 21 years is not mature or responsible enough to consume alcohol, yet at 18 we are mentally capable of killing another human being or facing the possibility of death...?? These regulations are quite convenient.

I don't want to be categorized based on my age. or my sex. or my sexuality. my race. my appearance. We are all so obsessed with these fucking boxes and they end up controlling our lives and the people that we become. We can not realize our differences because we do not embrace them. We tell people who they can be and who they are.

The point is, I am no more or less responsible and/or mature than I was yesterday, today. Yesterday i was 20 and it was illegal for me to buy or drink alcohol. Today I am 21 and I can get as plastered as I very well please. My ability to judge is the same. My values haven't changed.

Who I am has more to do with my personal and unique life experiences than the amount of days that i have lived.