delusional. fragmented. broken.

New meds make my tummy upset, but somehow I can relax under pressure, stress, and anxiety.
Sort of numb though. My F key is broken and I have to push down so hard to make it work. its annoying. it makes my arm ache. I saw Gran Torino tonight. It was enjoyable but the racial slurs were overkill. Once again the white man saves the day. ick. Apparently I have no life because all i do is think about politics. whatever. I can't help what I'm interested in. politics are personal, right? so how can I possibly escape politics...it controls my life. I don't think I'm ever going to live happily ever after with someone. nobody wants to deal with me. delusional. fragmented. broken.

"Love Hurts, but sometimes its a good hurt" -incubus

I'm sick of changing for the world...when is the world going to start changing for me?

I've been thinking about the term "transgender" and how it is supposed to be an 'umbrella' term for transexuals, cross-dressers, drag queens/kings, gender queers, gender fucks, and a whole assortment of individuals who do not conform to gender norms or feel like they fit into their biological sex. My concern is that 'trans' implies that there is going to be a TRANSformation from one thing to something else. I've identified as transgender for over a year now, but I don'tthink this accurately represents that part of my identity.

The name of my blog is NO GENDER, which is more in sync with how I feel about my own gender and gender in general. I don't identify with gender. I'm biologically a female, I have female parts (which i treasure), but I don't go around emphasizing this characteristic. I think gender is limiting and whether people would like to admit it or not, our biological sex greatly influences our fate in life. There are undoubtly hundreds of rules and regulations (written and unwritten) that apply to gender. And the enforcement of these laws all depends on what part of the world you live in. Here in the U.S. I am pretty comfortable defying gender norms. In other countries, not so much!

I support individuals who identify with a gender and their expectations. I just don't like being boxed in or out, depnding on how you look at it. Gender has devastating affects on our culture. I respect all transgender people and the choices that they decide to make -- it certainly does not interfere with my life. But I have to make an observation. How is it that transgender individuals are said to challenge gender norms, when in fact many of those people are attempting to pass as the opposite sex. Often times, when a trans person wants to go on hormones or have sex-reassignment surgery they are required to see a therapist for X number of months and need written permission to change their bodies. There is also usually a requirement for them to "live" as the opposite sex, which means imitating certain "gendered" behaviors associated with being male or female. I think this is self-defeating. Why does one have to "pass" as something to be accepted? Why does gender matter so much? Who is the passing actually benefitting?

And I've always questioned what drives a person to want a sex change? I think the social construction of gender might have something to do with it. For example, a certain individual is born as a biological male, but as he is growing up he exhbits behaviors that are normally associated with the female sex, like dancing or playing with barbies or wanting to wear dresses, etc...Society (usually mommy and daddy in this case) say no you're not supposed to act that way. He tries to be different, he feels shame, defective. He can't seem to stop these behaviors and one day at school the other boys start teasing him, calling him a sissy and a fag. His homeroom teacher even sits him down to have a chat with him about how normal little boys act (keyword). But still, he can not help acting like a girl. It is what he enjoys and what he wants. He is miserable when he tries to defy it. So he does some research for support and learns that he is transgender and although he was born a male, his brain is female. His external structure does not match his internal psyche. Solution? Sex change. literally become the other sex. How does this help? Well, now she can exhibit female behavior without the stigma of society...so long as she passes as female.

Question: What if we could let go of gender norms and expectations? Would less people feel the need to physically and chemically alter their bodies in order to be happy? What if behaviors, roles, and careers weren't associated with gender? How would that change our culture?

So, I'm not transgender because I don't intend to transition to anything. I'm just Becca.

And, I'm not discrediting people who identify as transgender whatsoever. I completely support the transgender community and the struggle to win their rights. I'm suggesting that we should have the freedom to be who we are without stigma. I wanted to go on hormones for a long time and get my breasts removed because I felt so stigmatized for my androgny. I wanted to fit in somewhere. I decided that changing my body was not the solution for me. I'm sick of changing for the world...when is the world going to start changing for me?

I'll be your scapegoat

I'm a scapegoat.

Everyone is always looking for someone to blame. In this particular case, I am that someone.
Of course, I was not perfect. I was responsible for causing some problems, for causing some pain.
I admit it and I own it and I have apologized.

But, the depression was already there long before I came along.

And I guess it is utterly painful to think that your inability to do this or that is my fault? You, my friend, are the only one stopping yourself from doing what you want.

And after all, while you were at your very worst I was the only one there to get you help while everyone else was either in denial or had outright given up.

And I put my life on hold and that was the worst I had ever been.

And now that we're done...go ahead...put the blame on me. I'll be your scapegoat.

I would much rather die than join those sick people

Writing has become incredibly difficult lately. I think I'm trying too hard --to write for some stranger I don't know. I actually get anxiety when I write sometimes because I am so afraid that it is not up to par with what is expected of the blogging community. Well, it stops here. I should write how I feel comfortable.

And, well, I'm getting to that point in my life when i realize it is not getting much better. I don't know how I am to survive this world when I am strongly against conformity. Most people do not accept those who don't conform. I remember when I was 15 I starting wearing a lot of black clothing (you know that goth stuff) and my family was always over-emphasizing how I would grow out of it one day and that i couldn't dress like that when I was older. I put up the biggest fights with them. I was so certain that i could be whoever I wanted to be, even if that meant wearing baggy black clothes with chains hanging off my sides. To myself, i would ask, what did it fucking matter what i was wearing? what did that actually have to do with who i am? It didnt. It's just that people feel the need to control everyone...regulations and rules and conformity and and and...it all makes controlling us so much easier. duh. I was not so willing to accept control, to be miserable for the sake of someone else's success and happiness. No, not I.

And, well, I did eventually stop wearing those "types" of clothes. Partly because i just didnt liek them anymore. partly because i didnt like them anymore because people werent so willing to accept me as such. I was sick of being looked at like a weirdo. So, for a couple of years i conformed. i dressed all femme and grew my hair long and on occasion i put on some make-up. Then college came. The structure, the system of control (AKA PATRIARCHY AND CAPITALISM) were revealed to me both in and out of the classroom. Fuck this! I said to myself. And i started being becca again.

And, well, I love being becca, but it's difficult to be oneself. And they give us that "be yourself" bullshit all through first and secondary school, but those same people think you are fucked up when you are being your true self...right? No wonder I have such bad anxiety...if you can't trust the school guidance counselor, then who can you trust?

How am I to survive if I don't want to be a part of a system that is so inherently oppressive? It is so hopeless that sometimes I just want to give in. I just can't though. I'm not alone. but the amount of people working against assimilation and oppression, is small. I don't doubt that we can have an impact, but it's still scary. There are people out there that want to silence us. to kill us. to violate and mutilate our bodies because we challenge their power, their privilege, their entire false existence. The truth is, though, I would much rather die, than join those sick people.

"Define and Empower"

On a whole, I am disappointed with the LGBT movement, especially those gay lites who are running the show.

I am outraged at the cover of this past month's issue of The Advocate entitled "Gay is the New Black: the Last Great Civili Rights Movement." First of all, the slogan that Gay is the New Black is horribly disturbing since this phrase is usually used in regards to fashion. Secondly, the LGBT, not GAY, rights movement is certainly not the only or last civil rights movement. The Black Civil Rights movement is still very much alive and running. Do people actually believe that electing a black president has single-handedly ended racism across the United States? Hell no. There are plenty of radical right-wingers and Christian fundamentalists that have compared Obama to curious George and have called him "little Hussein"...that's racism.

Racism is present in the LGBT community which has been especially evident since the passage of proposition 8 in California. So many members of this community have essentially blamed the black community for this loss. This is based on a stereotype that all blacks are homophobic. Again, this is racist. And the Advocate just tops it off by comparing the oppression and exploitation of black people to gay people. Of course there are similarities and overlaps, but is most certainly not the same. You can't hide your skin color, but you can hide your sexual orientation (although you shouldn't have to).

The issue here, of course, is that some people in the LGBT movement are attempting to take away the focus from other marginalized groups in the United States and beyond. The cover of the Advocate implies that every single other marginalized group in the history of this country has achieved their human rights to the fullest extent. Therefore all energy, time, and money can focus on the oppression of LGBT peoples. Well, this is racist, egotistical, and just plain stupid.

Why must we always divide and conquer? Instead, we should take Audre Lorde's advice to "define and empower." Let's Embrace our differences, educate one another, admit our privileges, and move forward together. There is a serious lack of communication and understanding among marginalized groups in this country. We are too busy fighting, blaming, and insulting one another while the radical right is busy making plans to keep us down here. Fuck that! Let's take charge by fighting to end the exploitation and oppression of all marginalized groups in this country and beyond. We can do it. We just need to realize that we share the plight of oppression and by dividing we are only giving those in power more power to manipulate our lives.

Craving stability

I have so much to do. write 2 papers. study for 2 finals. move to a different dorm room. go back to boston. feel sorry for myself while I am far away from everything that makes my day complete. finally catch-up on that long reading list in my head. get lgbtssa back on its feet. plan, plan, plan. stress. sleep. eat.

notice how eating and sleeping come last.

I'm ready for college to be over. I just want to cut out all the bull shit. I need some stability.

expect better posts within a week.

I'll do what I want

This anxiety can make me immobile. It has something to do with the in between of deciding weather to take flight or just fight. I freeze and I literally just wait for that moment that it just clicks. But sometimes it never clicks so i get stuck neither taking flight nor fighting. If I flee then I feel weak. And if I fight I feel like an asshole. I can't win. I think I need more confidence to do what I feel is best. I waste a lot of time considering how my actions will be perceived by others. Why do I yearn for the validation of others so often?

I cause my own conflicts about 90% of the time.

I'm sick of having this conversation with myself. I'll do what I want.

I'm 21, now what?

I think its safe to say that everyone looks forward to turning a certain age, specifically the ones that grant more privileges.

13 - official recognition as a teenager
16 - legal to drive
18 - legal to vote, gamble, buy smokes (in some states)
21 - legal to drink

So now what? I get to look forward to being able to rent a car when I'm 25?

Whatever. My dad says: "Happy Birthday! Welcome to the majority." OK. what the fuck?

I wish we weren't measured quantitatively. Instead we should be judged based on the quality of our character. Essentially, the restrictions and limitations associated with age are based on generalizations about an entire population. Our culture believes that anyone under the age of 21 years is not mature or responsible enough to consume alcohol, yet at 18 we are mentally capable of killing another human being or facing the possibility of death...?? These regulations are quite convenient.

I don't want to be categorized based on my age. or my sex. or my sexuality. my race. my appearance. We are all so obsessed with these fucking boxes and they end up controlling our lives and the people that we become. We can not realize our differences because we do not embrace them. We tell people who they can be and who they are.

The point is, I am no more or less responsible and/or mature than I was yesterday, today. Yesterday i was 20 and it was illegal for me to buy or drink alcohol. Today I am 21 and I can get as plastered as I very well please. My ability to judge is the same. My values haven't changed.

Who I am has more to do with my personal and unique life experiences than the amount of days that i have lived.

Response: "Learning about Trans People"

Please click on title for original article

I respect when people are willing to admit when they have excluded trans people from the LGBTQ community, but it is certainly not the responsibility of trans people to educate everyone on planet earth about our issues.

Of course I would be willing to spend a little bit of time informing others about trans issues, but only if asked. I am not going to approach every person I meet and expect that I will have to explain myself to them. The same goes for white people who expect POC to inform the world about their issues.

Everyone has to do their part.

Again, I respect Eric Marcus for owning up to his exclusion of trans people. I just do not have any patience for this statement: "I think trans people should in general speak for themselves." Yes our voices are important and we should be listened to...but we should also have allies who are willing to put in the time and energy to familiarize themselves enough about trans people, issues, concepts, terms, etc in order to confidently and accurately speak on our behalf.

It is just not enough to say "sorry, I didnt know...better ask a trans person." Mr. Marcus' post would have been so much more meaningful had he said something more like "Sorry I failed to recognize and address the issues unique to the transgender community. I am attempting to educate myself in order to better represent all the members of the LGBT community."

Audre Lorde once stated:

"Our future survival is predicated upon our ability to relate within equality. As women, we must root our internalized patterns of oppression within ourselves if we are to move beyond the most superficial aspects of social change. Now we must recognize differences among women who are our equals, neither inferior nor superior, and devise ways to use each others' difference to enrich our visions and our joint struggles." (Sister Outsider, 122)

Lorde is basically asserting that we need to stop focusing on how our differences separate us and embrace how our differences strengthen our movement. She speaks mainly of women here, and I am attempting to speak of all marginalized groups. We have a repsonsibility to re-define the LGBT movement as one that addresses the needs and issues of all its members. bell hooks redefined feminism as a struggle to end sexist oppression, which essentially helped the movement to become more inclusive of all women instead of just reflecting the needs of white, upper-class women. The LGBT movement, in comparison, reflects mostly the needs of white gays and lesbians, especially those who are more financially stable. This excludes POC, the poor, trans people, bisexuals, and more. Exclusion will only lead to divisions in the LGBT community and it will eventually cause more damage than success. The passing of prop 8 showed us just how divided our community already is, especially on issues of race.

We need to recognize that the LGBT community has a multitude of identities...there are endless possibilities of intersecting identities in the LGBT community. Not only must we address issues pertaining to sexuality, but also how race, class, sex, age, dis/ability, etc intersect with such issues...it's all relevant and interconnected.

I call on all members of the LGBT community, especially those who have more privilege (and are willing to recognize it), to embrace our differences, to stop obsessing over the heterosexual lifestyle, and to start fighting against the patriarchy that will always function as a system of oppression whether or not lgbt people remain the oppressed. We have fought too hard and too long to settle for the status quo... Demand a revolution, demand radical change, demand liberation!

Thanksgiving and family Prejudices

Must I always have to explain? Must I always have to be silent in order to maintain the peace at home? That's what my family wants. They want me to listen to their prejudice comments and be silent, even when it directly oppresses me.

It happens every holiday and always ends with me ranting, crying, yelling, banging, or some combination.

They were having some conversation about the trans man who got pregnant and had a baby. Okay fine. But then my grandmother goes off about how SHE still has reproductive organs and SHE is not really a man. Okay grandama but HE identifies HIMself as a MALE and yes grandma the media does exaggerate how its a miracle that a man had a baby, BUT stop disrespecting this person by referring to him as a she when he simply does not go by female pronouns. So I explain this not only to my grandmother, but to my sisters, brother, and mother.

Of course, my mother must interject with a sad excuse to make light of the situation. She says " well, how about a SHE-HE?" WHAT?! Now it has officially become a prejudiced conversation at which point everyone is laughing and re-assuring me that they are just teasing and having fun with me. Well, guess what everyone I'm Transgender and you have successfully insulted me. Still, though, they are just teasing...right? And still they have not apologized or even tried to learn about trans issues.

My family, like many other families and individuals, use laughter and joking as an excuse to dehumanize marginalized people in our society. They never want to listen and they always want to re-assert their power and privilege. They will never admit that they are prejudice...they are too ashamed.

They are my family and they will always be my family. No choice. And of course, It is too difficult to escape...I love them so much and they mean so much to me that I will stick around and holiday after holiday I will attempt to transform their narrow minds in hopes that one day I will succeed... :sigh:

Recognizing privilege and dismantling oppression

I've been tricked, played, pawned, scammed, misled, used, and manipulated by the very people and organizations that I once believed would save this country from its inherent oppression. I could not have been more wrong about these things...yes things.

It has become very clear to me that the only way the United States will ever begin to transform into a free and just society is when we stop re-enforcing and perpetuating the system of democracy, capitalism, and patriarchy under the slogan of "non-profit organizing." These institutions are, in reality, founded on hierarchical models that reflect the authoritative characteristics of capitalism. Following such a model is not progressive nor trans formative. Spending millions $$ on marriage equality is not going to save the downtrodden of our society. At the very least it will increase the privileged community while simultaneously shifting the oppression and exploitation of one group of people onto another. And that is how patriarchy and capitalism flourish.

Everyone needs to recognize their privileges and stop using them to disadvantage others. Every single person is privileged in one way or another (some more than others) and in order to have justice we can not aim for equality. The goal of equality is to strive to become the dominant and hence oppressive class. We need to strive for liberation, freedom, and justice. This must begin not with legalizing marriage for same-sex couples, but with dismantling historically oppressive institutions, such as marriage.

My privileges as follows:
White
College-educated
Wealth
Non-disabled

Next post I will discuss why the above are privileges, how they can disadvantage others, and how I will use such privileges to empower my fellow human beings rather than oppress them.

"Brother, I'm Dying": Haitian Immigration and Inherent Racism

I just finished reading Brother, I'm Dying by Edwidge Danticat. I was not expecting this book to be very good, but I really got sucked into it.

Danticat tells the story of her family and the struggles they faced as immigrants from Haiti. Seems simple right? NO, wrong. The life of an immigrant, especially from such a poor and unstable country, is extremely complex and emotional.

Danticat was brought up by her aunt and uncle in Haiti because her parents went to the states and could not bring her there until they had the financial stability. Essentially, Danticat had two sets of parents, one of which that was hundreds of miles away with little to no contact with her and her brother.

The biggest issue that came up in this real-life story was the difference of treatment towards immigrants of lighter-colored skin compared to those with darker-colored skin. I've considered this before, but it never sunk in until Danticat described the implorable treatment her uncle received at the old age of 81 years old when he was trying to escape a war-stricken, violent Haiti. Meanwhile, cubans merely need to set foot in this country, literally, and they are citizens. Haitians, however, even with visas, if they indicate anything that might construe an attempt for permanent residency are taken away to border patrol and interrogated. They are asked questions about their living conditions in Haiti, which no matter how bad, the officer reporting seems to think they are not threatened. If border patrol decided there is no reason for this person to stay in the states they send them to Krome which is a prison!? Immigrants must stay there and face brutality physically and mentally until eventually they are shipped their home country.

Here's a question I want to ask: how can the immigration issue be resolved, regardless of the racism that is present?

Everyone who is against immigration usually argues that immigrants are taking away jobs from American citizens, which is probably true. However, it not one immigrants fault that their country's living conditions are less than acceptable. Most immigrants are faced with either leaving their homeland or failing to adequately take care of and protect their family.

Do you really believe that anyone would want to up and leave their family in order to survive? I highly doubt that. Governments are to blame for this and it is not fair or right to simply stop immigration.

Part of why Haiti is so poor and filled with violence is the fault of the United States who trained Haitian soldiers which in turn fueled a war and created massive despair. The United States also sent some of their own soldiers there who contributed more to its destruction than its improvement.

So immigration might begin to be resolved if the US gave countries such as Haiti the tools, skills, resources, and knowledge to improve their country and be self-sustainable. IF a country has a good economy and peace why would people ever have a need to go elsewhere?

I recommend Brother, I'm Dying to anyone interested in the complexities and difficulties of immigration. We must listen to those who experience struggle and oppression first-hand. Just listen.

My body is MY body

I discovered the art of masturbation at age 7, that's as far back as I can remember anyway.

On several occasions I was caught masturbating by my mother at which point she explained to that I shouldn't touch myself because 1) it was not okay and 2) I could injure myself...!? For the next 9 years of my life I felt guilty for merely pleasuring myself, an act that only seemed natural to me. Mean while I found myself having multiple sexual experiences with my female playmates in the disguise of games such as "doctor" and "house." Needless to say, I felt guilty about those indulgences as well.

When I finally started to think for myself around 16, I realized that masturbation was in fact a natural and healthy practice...one that I should not feel guilty and perverted about!

I share such a personal story to demonstrate how parental figures depict sexual acts as forbidden behaviors. How often do parents encourage sex or at least speak of it in front of a child younger than 15 years old? Very rarely...

Could this be fostering unsafe practices...because youth want so badly to feel pleasure, but they fear getting caught and being punished?? I don't doubt it!

It is very difficult to ask questions about sex in the first place if we are taught from such a young and influential age that it is forbidden (i.e. bad). If we were to ask, wouldnt that implicate us as lewd and promiscuous, even if we had no intentions of participating in sexual acts? Never-mind going to buy a condom, because that most definitely indicates intentions of sexual acts which portrays you as...what? a...slut, pervert, whore, sexually deviant...?

Sexuality is socially constructed. It is constructed to control us by filling us with shame, guilt, and fear. It just another way for the neo-conservative, radical christians to control us for their own benefit.

My body is MY body. Ultimately, I should decide what I do with it so long as it does not legitimately hurt others. The bottom line is, we should be able to be open about our sexuality without being stigmatized.

The Inspiration

This blog was inspired, in part, by my father. After having a very long and heated discussion about the "gross" appearance of our neighbor's grass he told me to start my own blog to write down all my feelings, opinions, ideas, etc...

Here's the story on the grass:
My parent's were expressing their dissatisfaction with the new neighbors because they don't cut their grass, which apparently has a negative impact on their own lives...well, I think that is fucking ridiculous. It's just grass and it's not their grass. They don't have to like the overgrown weeds, but they don't need to judge these people for not wanting to cut, because that's their decision. Just because my parents think that the length and appearance of one's grass says something about the character of that person, does not mean it is true!

Somehow this discussion on overgrown weeds let to a full-out conversation on the status of queer homeless youth, initiated by me of course. My father seems to think that people of color, apart from their sexual orientation or gender identity, have the proper opportunities to create a "suitable" life....and that if only they took more advantage of those opportunities then there would be less homelessness, drug-dealing, and crime. I completely disagreed with him explaining that it is just not that fucking simple and the factors against people of color and other marginalized groups greatly outweighed the resources supporting their humanity. At this point I began ranting and raging about the challenges facing queer homeless youth, especially the problem with police brutality which is supported and fostered by state politicians, like former Mayor Rudy Giuliani who started the "Quality of Life" campaign which gave more privilege and luxury to the already privileged and luxurious white, upper-class assholes. This in turn left many queer homeless youth without anywhere safe to go....daily bashed, arrested, and driven from the Christopher St. Piers in the West Village of New York City. To the white, upper-class society they were nothing more than trash covering "their" streets and "threatening" the purity of their children. All bullshit.

Driving them out will only push them into another neighborhood in which more privileged folks will look for ways to throw out the "trash." It doesn't make any sense and it is time to address the root of the issue, which has more to do with the culture we live in than us queers, don't ya think?